22 Until None

There is an organization that is very dear to my heart: it's called 22 Until None. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, approximately 109 Americans commit suicide each day, and out of that 109, 22 of those suicides are committed by veterans. While every life is valuable and each suicide a tragedy, when you realize that out of the entire U.S population, 87 civilians are committing suicide a day, and though the veteran demographic is much smaller, we are losing 22 of them, each day; that number is very alarming. That's where 22 Until None comes in. They are a nonprofit organization that provides 24 hour support to veterans in need. 

Most service members believe that it's a sign of weakness to admit that they're struggling, and are unlikely to call the National Suicide Hotline; they're afraid they'll be judged as feeble. However, they're trained to take care of and rely on their brothers and sisters (other service members), so if they're going to make a cry for help, it will most likely be to an organization like 22 Until None that is completely staffed by veterans. 

How can you help this organization? Like their Facebook page: 22 Until None  

Follow their instagram: @22untilnone

Or order a T-shirt:  22 Until None Shop

Here's a picture I posted on my insta of me repping one of their shirts and added the hashtag  #IStand4the22

Check them out, let our veterans know we care, and that they are not alone. 

How I Found My Calling

I believe that in everyone's life there will be at least one person who will have the greatest impact on their development and who they will become, for better or for worse. In some cases, that impact will be mild, like the smallest of pebbles tossed into a pond, barely even creating a splash. In my case, one person caused a tsunami. For the sake of this blog, we are going to call him Leo.

Several summers ago I was cute, innocent 16 year old Sammy. I had never been kissed, the epitome of innocent and naive. Enter Leo. He was handsome and 20, from the same small town as me, knew all the same people, and he was also in the Marine Corps, stationed at Camp Lejeune. He came home on pre-deployment leave that fall and we began dating. It was the sweetest, most adorable relationship anyone we knew had ever seen; two small town kids, the farm boy and the privileged girl, in love, and oh, did I love that boy, as much as any 16 year old ever loved anyone. Just weeks shy of my 17th birthday, I thought I had it all figured out: Leo would deploy, come home, we'd get engaged after awhile, married after I turned 18, and live happily ever after. College could wait, because the love we had was a once in a lifetime thing, not something to be taken lightly or put on hold. I couldn't wait for our happily ever after to start. Then he deployed to Afghanistan....

After he had been in Afghanistan a month,  one of his good friends stepped on an IED (improvised explosive device) explosion and died in his arms. In wake of this tragic, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) inducing event, Leo turned to pornography to cope. That is, after all, what he was encouraged to do. Back in the states, I had no idea this was gong on; it was made perfectly clear before they deployed that pornography was illegal in Islamic countries and was not allowed to be brought in or sent. Nevertheless, it was pervasive, at least amongst the Marines. With the deadly combination of porn and PTSD, he began to change.

I'll never forget the phone call when he told me about this friend dying, or the hollow tone in his voice. I knew it was time to learn about PTSD. I spent the next 6 months reading every book on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I could get my hands on. By the time homecoming rolled around, I was pretty confident I knew what to expect and how to help. I did, but I could never have anticipated how much he had changed. My sweet country boy was gone and my heart was broken. Mine wasn't the only one; the wives and girlfriends of the Marines he deployed with were also struggling with their men and they would vent and ask me what I thought they should do because through all our conversations over those seven months, they knew I had done my research. I told them this was just the readjustment phase and things would get better, just be patient (and for some of them, I was exactly right). What I hadn't factored in were the effects of pornography.


A month after homecoming, while I was trying to be patient and understanding during what I believed to be the readjustment phase, Leo and I got engaged. I thought my dream was coming true! The months that followed were some of the hardest of my life. He was different, and my Leo wasn't coming back. It was during this time that I learned he was addicted to pornography. PTSD and pornography turned him into a completely different person, and not a better one. Our relationship became toxic and abusive; we put the wedding on hold, but I tried to keep fighting. I didn't want to give up on him. Ten months after homecoming, I went through another deployment with him, this one much longer than the first, and once again, he returned to me a worse man than when he left. I spent years waiting for him to do something to get better, I made suggestions, but things only got worse with time, until I could no longer stay. I finally realized one day that this new mean, condescending, verbally (sometimes physically) abusive person was who he was. The man I fell in love with was gone for good; combat and pornography had destroyed him.

During the years with Leo, there were definitely good times and memories (though few and far between), and there were a lot of truly awful times, but at the end of the day, I thank God for all of them. Had I never met him, I would never have became acquainted with so many amazing spouses in the Marine Corps, many of whom I am still in contact with today. More importantly, I would never have figured out that I want to be a marriage and family therapist with an emphasis in PTSD. After his first deployment, talking and giving advice to the other ladies, I realized that while there are a few programs for veterans to help them cope with PTSD (because, let's face it, even those programs are lacking), there really isn't anything out there for the significant others. I believe this is a problem because, if the loved ones of the service member were better prepared with what to expect when their veteran returned and how to react, the service member would have a more loving, less stressful environment in which to heal. I learned with Leo that returning to a stress free environment at the end of the day is very crucial if any sort of healing is to take place. 

Everything happens for a reason, and while Leo and I didn't get our happy ending, I will never regret him. He was an important chapter in this Princess's tale. My experiences with him are what started me on the path that showed me there is a need in our society that is not being met, as well as to become the person that God sent me here to be.

Love is a Choice

Love. Such a beautiful and complicated four letter word. Like most girls, I want to find my Prince Charming and live happily ever after, and on my quest for that elusive fairytale ending, I’ve learned some valuable lessons about love. 

At the start of the year I was at a crossroads: I found myself being the recipient of two mens affection. Every girl’s dream, right? Wrong. I had to make a choice between the two and they could not have been more opposite. One was the charismatic Marine, a true “bad boy” who, while being a ton of fun, brought out the worst in me. The other was the sweet, respectable college rugby player at a Christian school who encouraged me to grow and improve, and who I knew would be good for me. While I was more physically attracted to the Marine, I liked how the rugby player treated me and gentle way he spoke to me, and in the end, that was one of the deciding factors for why I chose him. I knew I deserved to be treated like I was special, and not just the flavor of the week like the Marine treated me (in all fairness to him, he was a very good, dare I even say sweet, guy at his core, but was dealing with his own emotional issues because of a previous bad relationship that had taken more than just his heart from him). That was a crucial decision in my life because not only did I choose to date someone who encouraged me to grow, versus someone who required no personal growth, but in a society that endorses the notion of love at first sight, and romanticizes falling in love as if the person has no say at all, I learned that love is a choice.

My relationship with the rugby player didn’t last because we both wanted different things out of life, but I will always be grateful for that decision I made and the time I had with him because it was a time of tremendous growth for me. 

This summer has also been about growth. A week ago I celebrated being single for two months. Why was that a celebration? Because this is the longest I’ve been single since I was 16 years old. I’ve decided to give my heart a break this summer, work on my talents, and get to know myself better.

I’ve taken myself out to eat many times, hoarded that popcorn like a boss, and I’m not going to a museum with a date, so why the heck would I go by myself? haha. But in all seriousness, I’m taking this time for myself until I meet the man I can see myself marrying and building my own little kingdom with; then I will, once again, chose to love him. It’s an empowering feeling, to be in control of ones heart, and now that I’ve discovered that control, I don’t plan to relinquish it.