Expectations and Louboutins

At the start of the semester, I printed out quotes I thought I would need to be reminded of this year and posted them on my wall. Some of those quotes are:

While I adore these pictures, I've found this is the one I should have printed:

Alright, confession time: I've been allowing myself to be treated like flip flops. Since I've been back at school, I've had many gentleman (or so I thought they were) take me out on dates. So far I have encountered two types of men.

The Hangout/Netflix and Chill Boys

     These boys never ask me out on a formal date; they always want to hang out, usually at my place. Sometimes they ask to "Netflix and Chill." For those who aren't good at pop culture, Netflix and Chill means come over, we'll talk a bit, throw something on Netflix...and then have sex with Netflix playing in the background. In the BYU/Mormon culture, you'll have a steamy make out with Netflix in the background instead of boinking (David Addison, I salute you). Now, I'm pretty good at spotting the Netflix and Chill rogues, but I have fallen prey to pointless hangouts.

Then there's the second type....


The Barney Stinson Wannabes

     These boys will take me out on grand dates and drop $100 on me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it, but just about anyone can take me out and wine and dine me, it doesn't tell me anything about the real you. Not only that, but on the first couple dates, I feel awkward accepting such a grand gesture, and they know that. They do it so that at the end of the night, I'll feel obligated to give them a NCMO (noncommittal make out).

I have been in relationships with both types: the boy who never took me out on real dates, and the guy who could do nothing but wine and dine me because he refused to put any thought into our dates, and dinner and a movie was easy (and he liked to try to get in my pants). So what do I want? Moderation.

When I'm actually settled down in a relationship, there will be nights that I'll be tired from a long week/day at school and work and cooking dinner and watching a movie, or going to a casual restaurant and seeing a show will sound like heaven to me. If it's a special night, let's get dressed up and go to a nicer place for dinner to celebrate, if you really want to, but I would love it if you show me you're creative and capable of putting thought into me/our relationship.

For a first date, take me to play games at an arcade, take me dancing, take me to seasonal activities (haunted houses, pumpkin carving, sledding, iceskating, decorating Easter eggs, etc.), if you have guns, let's go shooting (I'll try to not outshoot you ;]). If all goes well and we enjoy each others company, we can go back and bake cookies; I'll go all southern girl on you and show you some awesome recipes.

I don't want to stay at home, I want you to take me out, but I don't want you to spend a lot of money on me regularly. I do want you to show me you're creative and have the capacity to do things with me down the road if the relationship goes anywhere. I want to do things that you like, too, so that we both get to know each other, and know if there's any point in continuing to date. It also gives me hope, if we do continue into a relationship and eventually marriage, that we will continue to have shared interests that we will keep doing together, away from the everyday challenges of life.

In order for an activity to be considered a date, Elder Dallin H. Oaks said it must meet the criteria of the 3 P's. It must be

• Paid for (by the gentleman)
• Planned ahead
• Paired off (meaning even if you're in a group setting, you arrive with, are there with, and leave with the same person)

In order to ensure I am treated like Louboutins, I have created my own set of rules when it comes to dating/hanging out.

• Group activities and group hangouts are great, but I won't agree to simply hang out one on one.
• End dates at a reasonable time, don't let them go insanely late into the evening. 
• When I get the classic "Hey" text messages after 11, I will just leave them. 
• There is nothing wrong with choosing to not go on a second date if I was treated poorly on the first.

In a nutshell, I have expectations for how I will be treated. I recognize those expectations may deter some gentleman and it might cost me some dates. And that is ok with me.

One Year Later

One year ago something traumatized me.

One year ago I started to self-destruct.

One year ago I wanted my life to end.

One year later I am so grateful to still be alive.

To anyone reading this who is struggling and considering ending your life, DON'T. I  have been there and I know what it's like to feel as if you can no longer endure the pain of this life, but I promise you, it will get better. As unlikely and impossible as that may seem right now, it will get better; just keep fighting.

A lot of people have read or heard the poem "Footprints in the Sand," and after the last year, it is especially profound to me. 

"One night I dreamed a dream.

As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.

Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,

One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,

especially at the very lowest and saddest times,

there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,

You'd walk with me all the way.

But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,

there was only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you

Never, ever, during your trials and testings.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

This image depicts what I know happened over the last year; as hard as everything was, I was never alone. My Savior was always there, watching over me, giving me strength and comfort when I needed it most, sending earthly angels to me in my times of greatest need, and waiting for me to ask for help. Help to heal, help to find my way back to Him. 

One year later I am grateful to be alive, I'm grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the impact it's had in my life, and most of all, I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, who never left me even when I pushed Them away, and for carrying me when I could no longer walk.