I believe that in everyone's life
there will be at least one person who will have the greatest impact on their
development and who they will become, for better or for worse. In some cases,
that impact will be mild, like the smallest of pebbles tossed into a pond,
barely even creating a splash. In my case, one person caused a tsunami. For the
sake of this blog, we are going to call him Leo.
Several summers ago I was cute,
innocent 16 year old Sammy. I had never been kissed, the epitome of innocent
and naive. Enter Leo. He was handsome and 20, from the same small town as me,
knew all the same people, and he was also in the Marine Corps, stationed at
Camp Lejeune. He came home on pre-deployment leave that fall and we began
dating. It was the sweetest, most adorable relationship anyone we knew had ever
seen; two small town kids, the farm boy and the privileged girl, in love, and
oh, did I love that boy, as much as any 16 year old ever loved anyone. Just
weeks shy of my 17th birthday, I thought I had it all figured out: Leo would
deploy, come home, we'd get engaged after awhile, married after I turned 18,
and live happily ever after. College could wait, because the love we had was a
once in a lifetime thing, not something to be taken lightly or put on hold. I
couldn't wait for our happily ever after to start. Then he deployed to
Afghanistan....
After he had been in Afghanistan a
month, one of his good friends stepped on an IED (improvised explosive
device) explosion and died in his arms. In wake of this tragic, PTSD (Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder) inducing event, Leo turned to pornography to cope.
That is, after all, what he was encouraged to do. Back in the states, I had no
idea this was gong on; it was made perfectly clear before they deployed that
pornography was illegal in Islamic countries and was not allowed to be brought
in or sent. Nevertheless, it was pervasive, at least amongst the Marines. With
the deadly combination of porn and PTSD, he began to change.
I'll never forget the phone call when
he told me about this friend dying, or the hollow tone in his voice. I knew it
was time to learn about PTSD. I spent the next 6 months reading every book on
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I could get my hands on. By the time homecoming
rolled around, I was pretty confident I knew what to expect and how to help. I
did, but I could never have anticipated how much he had changed. My sweet
country boy was gone and my heart was broken. Mine wasn't the only one; the
wives and girlfriends of the Marines he deployed with were also struggling with
their men and they would vent and ask me what I thought they should do because
through all our conversations over those seven months, they knew I had done my
research. I told them this was just the readjustment phase and things would get
better, just be patient (and for some of them, I was exactly right). What I
hadn't factored in were the effects of pornography.
A month after homecoming, while I
was trying to be patient and understanding during what I believed to be the
readjustment phase, Leo and I got engaged. I thought my dream was coming true!
The months that followed were some of the hardest of my life. He was different,
and my Leo wasn't coming back. It was during this time that I learned he was
addicted to pornography. PTSD and pornography turned him into a completely
different person, and not a better one. Our relationship became toxic and
abusive; we put the wedding on hold, but I tried to keep fighting. I didn't
want to give up on him. Ten months after homecoming, I went through another
deployment with him, this one much longer than the first, and once again, he
returned to me a worse man than when he left. I spent years waiting for him to
do something to get better, I made suggestions, but things only got worse with
time, until I could no longer stay. I finally realized one day that this new
mean, condescending, verbally (sometimes physically) abusive person was who he
was. The man I fell in love with was gone for good; combat and pornography had
destroyed him.
During the years with Leo, there were
definitely good times and memories (though few and far between), and there were
a lot of truly awful times, but at the end of the day, I thank God for all of
them. Had I never met him, I would never have became acquainted with so many
amazing spouses in the Marine Corps, many of whom I am still in contact with
today. More importantly, I would never have figured out that I want to be a
marriage and family therapist with an emphasis in PTSD. After his first
deployment, talking and giving advice to the other ladies, I realized that
while there are a few programs for veterans to help them cope with PTSD
(because, let's face it, even those programs are lacking), there really isn't
anything out there for the significant others. I believe this is a problem
because, if the loved ones of the service member were better prepared with what
to expect when their veteran returned and how to react, the service member
would have a more loving, less stressful environment in which to heal. I
learned with Leo that returning to a stress free environment at the end of the
day is very crucial if any sort of healing is to take place.
Everything happens for a reason, and
while Leo and I didn't get our happy ending, I will never regret him. He was an
important chapter in this Princess's tale. My experiences with him are what
started me on the path that showed me there is a need in our society that is
not being met, as well as to become the person that God sent me here to be.
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